Broken Hearts Bleed Loudly
I’ve always thought of my sensitivity to be my biggest downfall. To feel every emotional pain in multiples of 10. To take every betrayal, small or big, as a personal attack. Lucky for me, I look good in tears…….or maybe its just a familiar face. My heart hurts. My mind aches. A lack of support, understanding, and true love is taking its toll on me. I feel the lava laden knives of judgement piercing my soul every time I turn around and the sensible voice in the back of my head begging for the freedom to make mistakes and be imperfect like my 21 year old youth is yearning to. But I can’t. Everyones watching. Waiting for me to fall on my face and bury myself in failure. And I gave in. Im resting on a cold concrete of complacent and unfulfilled. Child hood dreams lost and begging to be given some life, to live again, to flourish and grow to the lengths only me and my journals knew they’d grow to be. And im making everyone so proud of me…not being shit. This is all they wanted for me. But they’re still working strategically trynna keep me in my place. Every thought or spoken word interjected by a “but you can’t…” “but how are you gonna…” followed by a sarcastic “psh yeah okay” as if to say, even the simplest of goals, like returning to school is impossible for a fuck up like me. And I wonder what would happen if I tatted “fuck your doubts, lies, and watchful eyes” on my mind so every word I spoke or every dream I thought was followed by the reminder that they all wanna see me fial. Misery loves company. But im a loner. Find another playmate. I started to cry myself to sleep, thinking of all of this but my journal never lets me down and writing has always been my purest freedom. So I grabbed my hot fries, and one of my all time favorite movies “love jones” and just like that..this night is fixed. Peace. (Written in actual journal on jul 20th. 09) P.s. BITCH, get some business of your own. Get off my shit! You don’t know me. I write a portion of my thoughts on this blog and any other blog I have/had so trying to read anything deeper into them will be a fail.
